Category Archives: Lists

Things I Probably Devote Too Much Brain Energy Towards…

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1. What song they’ll play when I come up to bat when I become a professional baseball player.
Seriously, so many things to work out on this one: classic rock or something trendy? what genre? with vocals or just something with a good beat? And even once I find the right song, I then have to find the right 7-second splice… seriously, this has been a quandary that has lasted for years. My answer has bounced around but never settled on anything permanently. I’m open to suggestions.

2. How there’s a distinct possibility that I will share the same profile as my 5-months pregnant sister when we go to the beach this summer.
I’ve directed a great deal of emotional and mental energy towards this one. Strangely, none of this has really translated into physical action… (:

3. Whether or not I’d be able to escape through the roof of the elevator if the cab ever gets stuck.
I’m pretty sure I ponder this every time I’m riding up to work in the morning. That movie that floated around the internet a couple months ago of the guy who got stuck for more than 2 days didn’t help. Also, I have a tendency to get a little concerned on the days I wear skirts and heels because it would seriously suck to have my escape impeded by attire.

4. How they are going to need to ramp up the production of yield signs when I am in charge of the world.
Seriously, I hope the incumbent sign making companies have created a scalable process, because I fully intend to replace at least 80% of the world’s stop signs with yield signs. I have determined that the requirement to come to a complete stop (especially in suburbia) is unnecessary. Really, you just need to make sure you’re not about to collide with anything and you’re good to go. Stopping: it wastes gas, it wastes time, and it drives me crazy. Get ready to start seeing more yellow in your local landscapes.

5. How it’s possible that a certain somebody taking a trip to Colombia today (FOR FUN…) might be kidnapped by FARC rebels and never make it back to the United States.
Seriously, come back alive or I’ll kill you myself…

confessions and daily excitement

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At some point today, I:

  • picked my outfit, not based on the weather or on the fact that my boss’ boss was in town, but rather due to my recent lack of shaving and ironing activities.
  • listened to Oil and Water by Incubus excessively. As in at least 7-8 times over the course of the day. Maybe more…
  • found a incomplete assumption made previously that was under-valuing an asset by more than $2 million.
  • wondered if there is an analyst profit sharing program for events like this…
  • subsequently freaked out that I was considering such an extreme recommendation and did a boatload of research to make sure I was correct.
  • had a small heart attack when I proposed it all to the boss.
  • officially did not win my March Madness pool.
  • consciously thought about going to get gelato about 5 times in the afternoon.
  • pondered whether the way my mind works with desserts is similar to the way boys’ minds supposedly think about sex, i.e. constantly.
  • sat in the Senior Citizens section at the Rockies game because the tickets were cheaper.
  • was disappointed by a lukewarm hotdog.
  • overheard a grandma in awe over the boy walking up and down the stairs “while carrying all those cotton candies.” overheard a grandpa who’s probably had a long 50 years say, “it’s not like they’re heavy, dear…”

wishing for permanent laryngitis

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Have you ever had a moment of clarity, one when you realize that the thing you are most insecure about is exactly what you should be most insecure about?

One of my biggest fears is that I sound like the ill-fated offspring of Kerri Strug and Karen from Will and Grace. I can’t really hear how I sound to other people, so I don’t know how close my guess is. Fingers crossed that it’s slightly better than I imagine. But today I discovered that even if it is better (and by better I mean: less high pitched, less nasal-y, less obnoxious), it still warrants concern.

This afternoon on the phone, I was told I sound “like a little girl.” Now, this is a big step up from high school when someone told me I sound like Ducky from the Land Before Time, but still not something you really want to hear on a business call. She tried to twist it into a compliment, but I think that’s only because 1) I don’t think I did a very good job at not being completely dismayed and 2) she works for my boss (and me, the boss’ analyst, by extension). Dismay and bosses don’t go well together.

I was told that someday I would appreciate sounding younger than I am. I think that’s bologna (side note: I love using that phrase just so I can sing the song while I type the word bologna.) What’s to be gained by sounding younger? This is not like looking younger. I can see how it will eventually come in handy to look younger than I am (even if it does mean that I’m still getting asked when I’m graduating from high school as an employed adult…) But sounding younger? I’m not buying it.

I have been brooding about this one all day. Clearly something must be done. It is career limiting to sound ridiculous over the phone. And quite honestly, it’s kind of devastating to me that I sound anything closely related to children or cartoon characters. But voices are not so easy to fix – I’ve tried. So far, my ideas for executing Operation Baritone are as follows:

  1. become a chain smoker
  2. gargle with glass and gravel every night
  3. become friends with Brian McNamee and try to boost my testosterone level through carefully administered “B12″ injections…
  4. catch strep throat (one of my special skills), refuse to take antibiotics, and hope that my seriously infected tonsils can permanently aggravate my throat
  5. take a vow of silence and effectively solve the problem
  6. have my vocal cords severed (since we all know that #5 would only last 10 minutes unless I was compelled…)
  7. become a doctor. invent some kind of surgery that lowers your voice. call it the James Earl Jones procedure.
  8. wear a necklace that is so tight it semi-blocks my airway, making me sound a little more raspy
  9. spend 6 hours every night after work screaming constantly so that my voice will be mysteriously “lost” during working hours
  10. move to country where I don’t speak the language so no one will care what I sound like since I’ll just be unintelligible anyway
  11. find a voice coach. then maybe I could actually learn to carry a tune AND not sound like a Smurf… win win win.

Luckily, I found a wikiHow that might be of use. I’ll start here. If this doesn’t work, then I’m headed to the list. Please let me know if there are any bright ideas I’ve forgotten…

8 Random Facts

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  1. I almost always have a song stuck in my head, especially when I’m at work. Most people seem to complain about having their mind play songs on repeat, yet somehow I don’t seem to mind too much (usually my mind has pretty good taste in music, I guess.  um, wait.  nope.  not decent at all.  I’m the reason stupid ClearChanel radio stations stay in business.) Today’s example: I was listening to classical radio on the drive to work and got The Dance of the Hours stuck in my head all morning.
  2. I had to google the actual name of the song to write Fact #1. In truth, I just know it from Looney Tunes and the K9 Advantix commercials… But now, not only do I know the name of the song but I have listened to it in its entirety without any interruptions from ACME dynamite or itchy puppies. I think I just moved one notch up on the high-society scale, right?
  3. I use commas, parenthesis, and ellipses way more often than is called for by literary convention…
  4. Breakfast food is a bastion of my diet.
  5. In the sixth grade, we did strength testing in gym class. I did more pull-ups than any other girl and all but 5 of the boys. Now my upper body is kind of pathetic, but I look back to my glory days fondly. (Plus, it only seems fair to savor such memories since I try to block out about 98% of my middle school years…)
  6. Most of the presents I buy for my little brother are things that I secretly hope to play with too. I should probably just go ahead and admit to liking Hannah Montana right now too…
  7. I would like to start this fact with the disclaimer that my driveway is really tricky. And because of this trickiness and through absolutely no fault of my own, I may have accidentally ran my car into the house when I was in high school. Twice. Fine it was three, but the third didn’t do any damage so it doesn’t count.
  8. I have won a cake walk twice in my life. Both times, I was standing on number 8.

Thanks Kristy!

The Sopranos

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Today I went to the opera for the first time. Here are some observations and thoughts about the whole experience:

  1. The average opera attendee is probably eligible for AARP.
  2. The people who cart their children to the opera either have kids who are extremely cultured, kids who are extremely bribed, or parenting skills of the extremely naive.
  3. Monochromatic sets are quite striking. I wonder how they keep the white set clean? Lots of Scotch Guard, probably.
  4. Life would be much more entertaining if people conversed in opera. Because really, if people were to have fights with their boyfriend in high pitched Italian, I would be much more inclined to…okay, I would be much more inclined to watch domestic disputes. Hmmm…maybe that’s not such a good thing after all…
  5. I don’t think that people suffering from mysterious illnessness would be singing like that on their deathbed.
  6. I wish I had brought binoculars. Not so much because I wanted to see more but because I think it would have made the lady with the opera glasses next to me feel uncomfortable. I also wish that I would have brought up cultured topics for her to overhear during intermission: stuff like Monster Truck rallies and Ultimate Fighting. (I actually did talk to my brother about a video from College Humor…I might have come pretty close on this one…)
  7. Reading the translations was great and not great all at once. I read the synopsis before each act with the intent of being able to know what was going on and just listen to the music. Turns out that I kept checking the translation for fear of misreading. A dad telling the son’s girlfriend that she was ruining the family couldn’t really be taking this long, could it? Yes, it could. Okay, just checking.
    On the other hand, I kind of felt like having the translations continually flashing up made me feel compelled to read them, and I think that it was much easier to enjoy the whole experience just listening and watching.

Overall, I really enjoyed the opera. The sets were fantastic, the singing and orchestra were beautiful, and the story was well-done and nicely conveyed. I was really prepared for the worst and was pleasantly surprised by the whole thing. Which is saying something because I was able to reach this enjoyment status in spite of a headache. If that’s not a ringing endorsement, I’m not sure what is. :)

I Believe: (round 2)

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-that people in the healthcare profession should not be allowed to have acryllic nails

-in singing along with the radio in the car

-that wild grasses are much better than manicured lawns

-that if your microwave breaks, you should probably just buy a new one instead of trying to fix the diodes and mini-nuclear device parts yourself

-it’s time to go home from work when it’s dark, even if it does get dark early these days

-that the law of averages applies to driving: when I’ve sat in the pile-up behind an accident going 10 miles an hour for 20 minutes, I should be allowed to drive at least 15 mph over the speed limit once things finally break up without reprehension

-in not having to watching commercials

-that I still abide by the 80-20 rule when it comes to the clothes I wear day-to-day, even though I try really hard to utilize my ridiculously overstocked wardrobe to the fullest

-that my quality of life would decline significantly without Google

-that desire means more than talent

-and that sometimes it would be nice to have a little more talent to go with that desire

Life or Death Situation

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Today I had a blueberry smoothie for breakfast. It was like trying to drink semi-sweet muffin batter. And as I semi-gagged upon the first drink, I looked skeptically at the bottle. Having never had this kind before and vowing never having had it again, I checked the brand. The bottle very boldly proclaimed “Live!” and I thought to myself that drinking this was the exact opposite of living with an exclamation point. It was more in line with living with a question mark. As in “drink this and live?” Then I read the fine print and read “smoothie with live cultures” and I wondered if maybe the drink name was supposed to be read as “live” (rhymes with jive), as in “this drink is infested with alive bacteria ready to assault your tastebuds the moment you open the bottle.”

My conclusions from the whole experience were as follows:
~The drink name was either completely inaccurate or completely disturbing, but either way it’s interpreted, the smoothie is gross.
~This drink falls squarely into the “not worth the calories” category.
~Chugging this sucker could be a good candidate for a Fear Factor-esque competition in the workplace.
~Today is a good day to go buy a bagel.

I Believe:

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-that cooking is 70% having the right ingredients, 20% having the right motivation, and 10% not burning things

-that every public bathroom should be equipped with toilet seat covers, automatic everything, and garbage can by the exit so I can use a paper towel to open the door

-that everyone in America should watch the TED videos about suburbianism and environmental design

-that at some point in my adult life I should be able to stop wearing my retainer without worrying about crooked teeth

-in being able to walk to the places I need to go

-that you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat the administrative assistants

-that my blanket knows more about me than any person does

-in gut instincts

-that I should not have to brake on the highway for other people’s “curiosity slowing”

-that Advil fixes most ailments

-that most of my friends are housed in my bookshelf

-that popping your joints doesn’t really give you arthritis

-in the power of well-timed chocolate consumption

-that fall weather should last longer

-that most of Freudian Psychology is a load of BS

-in laughter

-that the more time I spend asking myself “why” the more often I find that the answer is “love”

Vera, Chuck and Dave

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I like writing lists, but this time I’ve decided to list with a twist. Below you will find parts of my week and the possible categories they could be grouped in. For example, the television show The Office could be categorized under “things that make me laugh” or “shows starring my tv boyfriend, John Krasinski” or “something I’m likely to quote incessantly.” Or watermelon could be part of “delicious nectars of the gods” or “things that, if wasted, will be punishable by death” or “foods I could eat all day every day for the rest of my life.” Get the idea?

  1. Taking the dog to the dog park.
    • public areas where people don’t feel particularly compelled to pick up dog poop
    • good times to have an iPod
    • bad places to wear flip flops
  2. Crossing the thing off my To Do list that has been there for almost a month.
    • things that are gratifying
    • satisfying results stemming from unpleasant processes
    • molehills made into mountains (concerning how such a thing stayed on the list for so long)
  3. Getting unexpected phone calls/emails from friends.
    • things that make me smile
    • activities that make staying up late worthwhile
    • times when nostalgia seems much more important than the present
  4. Learning to dream actively instead of passively.
    • times when “The Obvious” hits you on the head with a 2X4
    • things that make you visit Travelocity
    • moments of boundless possibility
  5. Getting flowers unexpectedly.
    • things that make you want to listen to Beatles songs
    • times when the olfactory sense abruptly trumps all other sensations
    • reasons it’s great to be loved

Ponderings From The Office

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  1. Did an event like this one transpire in someone else’s workplace to inspire the band name “The String Cheese Incident”? (Side Story: I brought in a string cheese for lunch, which was no longer locate-able in the fridge come lunch time. I can not prove that it was eaten or stolen or moved to an obscure setting. I have no idea if the act was malicious. I can’t claim theft. Indeed, it was merely an incident. Just a string cheese incident.)
  2. What’s wrong with whoever it was that clogged the toilet with what appears to be green poop? I hope she’s okay… If that we me, I’d take a sick day.
  3. How did I not find the gelato shop earlier in my downtown days?
  4. How will I afford my newly planned twice-daily trips to said gelato shop?
  5. Why do they turn the stupid air conditioning up so high? We are not trying to work in an igloo. It’s 100 degrees outside and 50 degrees inside. I’m going to get hypothermia and hyperthermia in the same day.