Monthly Archives: April 2008

a few pet peeves

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Since sharing my ‘idiosyncracy’ yesterday, I’ve been thinking about offering a more complete selection of the things in life that irritate me. Here’s a quick list – please keep in mind that I’m particular, stubborn, and somewhat judgmental usually quite nice and agreeable.

In no particular order:

  1. Visibly dirty ears. (I Q-Tip compulsively, which I know is not normal or even particularly healthy, but man! ear wax grosses me out. I blame this on being forced to sit alphabetically at lunch in elementary school. The specimens I imagined to be growing in John T.’s ears still make me shudder.)
  2. 24-hour news networks. If I wanted to hear the same irritating babble played over and over in a endless loop, I would listen to techno.
  3. When your cell phone screen gets all smudgy from touching your face.
  4. People who use the panic button to remember where they parked. There’s a saying that if you can’t take the heat, stay out of the kitchen. Similarly, if you can’t find your nondescript SUV, stay out of the mall parking lot.
  5. When the toilet paper rolls from under – it feeds from over the top or it’s wrong.
  6. Having to pay in cash for parking. Or ever, really.
  7. Sharing the elevator with one person. alone = great. group = expected. one other person = pretending that being in a confined space equates to wanting to engage in polite small talk = no good.
  8. When my iPod shuffles to a song that really must be heard as part of an album. For example, I actually didn’t even know that Golden Slumbers and Carry That Weight were separate songs until my iPod shuffled through just one of them and left me wondering what happened to the rest. There are just some cases when One and Done just isn’t going to cut it.
  9. Use of the words ‘crotchety,’ ‘weep,’ and ‘gay’ as an insult. Also, the pronunciation of mature as “muh-tyoor.” Every time I hear that it takes me back to 7th grade keyboarding class. First, I cringe. Then, I laugh when remembering the lecture we got when some less-than-’muh-tyoor’ person kept putting condoms over the door knob. Even funnier now that I know they weren’t balloons…

an idiosyncrasy

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When I go to Starbucks, I refuse to drink until I have the circular logo on the sleeve lined up with the circular logo on the cup and the hole in the lid aligned over the center of said circles. It’s not that I’m compulsive, it’s just that that’s the only way I like it and it drives me crazy when it’s not right.

Okay, it’s just that I’m compulsive.

Hey now kids, come gather round – See what just skipped into town.

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This morning, I went to an office team meeting. We had a relatively quick conference call followed by a lengthy discussion as to how to improve the Denver office. Things like integration and culture were discussed, all of which seemed like good plans. That is, until it was decided that we should work on the team building that morning by having the “new hires” share something about themselves that no one else knew about them. I panicked. In my heart of hearts, I knew that I would still be considered a new hire. I considered running for the door while I still had a shot. While I was formulating my exit strategy, the director called my name as someone who was so graciously granted time on the agenda. I was too late.

The first person told an amazing story about being an artist. I mean, she literally included a philosophical discussion about being connected to her work and had this amazing talent to share with the group and spoke about how she worked on the side. I sat, trying to listen and seem engaged but mostly having a semi-heart attack while hoping against hope that they moved around the room clockwise instead of counterclockwise.

I prayed that I would develop a cool hobby in those 45 seconds. How awesome would it be to say, “You probably weren’t aware of this, but I am a world champion bobsledder on the weekends”? Surprisingly, no new talents emerged. What could I possibly share about myself that would be something I want people in the office to know about me? All I could think of were inane facts that no one would want to know and I DEFINITELY didn’t want to share.

“I can sing the jingles of numerous childhood commercials at the drop of a hat. Skip-It, Yo-Yo Ball, Fruit Stripe Gum, KFC’s All-You-Can-Eat Buffet, Jenny Craig, Blow Pops…what do you want to hear?”
“My favorite kind of M&Ms are Peanut M&Ms. I love almonds regularly, but strangely enough the Almond M&Ms just don’t do it for me.”
“I made it all the way to Sid’s house when playing Toy Story on Sega, back before the days of memory cards and extra lives. I do best at SuperSmash Brothers when I’m Kirby. And I beat Guitar Hero II on medium.”
“On average, I press the snooze button at least 3 times before I get up. Sometimes more. And by ‘sometimes’ I mean ‘usually’ because I used the word ‘average’ incorrectly in the first sentence.”

Seriously, I had nothing.

They went counterclockwise.

I was up. I froze – I turned red and I had nothing to say. Finally, I blurted out the first thing that came to mind: “My life’s ambition is to bench press my body weight.” Everyone gasped and laughed and said “Really? You can’t be serious.” I was. Kind of. And if I only weighed 40 pounds, I’d already be there.

I left the meeting vowing to get some new hobbies.

confessions and daily excitement

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At some point today, I:

  • picked my outfit, not based on the weather or on the fact that my boss’ boss was in town, but rather due to my recent lack of shaving and ironing activities.
  • listened to Oil and Water by Incubus excessively. As in at least 7-8 times over the course of the day. Maybe more…
  • found a incomplete assumption made previously that was under-valuing an asset by more than $2 million.
  • wondered if there is an analyst profit sharing program for events like this…
  • subsequently freaked out that I was considering such an extreme recommendation and did a boatload of research to make sure I was correct.
  • had a small heart attack when I proposed it all to the boss.
  • officially did not win my March Madness pool.
  • consciously thought about going to get gelato about 5 times in the afternoon.
  • pondered whether the way my mind works with desserts is similar to the way boys’ minds supposedly think about sex, i.e. constantly.
  • sat in the Senior Citizens section at the Rockies game because the tickets were cheaper.
  • was disappointed by a lukewarm hotdog.
  • overheard a grandma in awe over the boy walking up and down the stairs “while carrying all those cotton candies.” overheard a grandpa who’s probably had a long 50 years say, “it’s not like they’re heavy, dear…”

the triumphant return of Stairwell Monitor #2

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My place on the corporate totem pole has apparently not progressed much since last fall, despite having hired 6 new people to the Denver office after my start date. Last time we had a fire drill, all the newest employees were thoughtfully volunteered to assist on the emergency response team. I was convinced that at least some of these new people would be recruited in a similar manner. I wasn’t so ambitious as to think I’d be done with my Stairwell Monitor Tour of Duty, but I my mind, I was already promoted to Stairwell Monitor #1. You might be scoffing, but this one is a BIG DEAL.

Because Stairwell Monitor #1 doesn’t have to guide people down 27 flights of stairs; their job is to assist the disabled. But in a fire drill, that just means hanging out in the break room after everyone else has journeyed out to the streets below, watching CNN with the sound on. Man, I was ready for that gig. Unfortunately, our office management had different plans. Instead, everyone has the same role as last time. Which is a shame, because I would have been SO GOOD at being Stairwell Monitor #1.

I guess if you’re trying to look at the bright side, this time I was at least invited to the fire warden meeting. Last time I was just told what to do for the drill, but today I got to go to the building-wide planning meeting. It served a much-needed college flashback, sitting in the back of a big room listening to someone passionately lecture about something of minimal concern to me. (Also, fire wardens bring cookies to their meetings.) Another sign of my pretend increased responsibility is my awesome FIRE WARDEN hat! And yes, I do have some stellar pictures of my red, flat-brimmed baseball cap. And no, I’m not posting.

I hesitate to publicly confess my inadequacy as a concerned citizen of the workplace, but last time I was a less than ideal Stairwell Monitor #2. Primarily this was because I was so concerned about changing into comfortable shoes for the 27 floor hike that most of the office had already evacuated before I got to my station. Maybe if I have a better showing this time around, I’ll make my way up that corporate ladder after all…